Ups and Downs are a natural cycle in life. You have your moments of pure accomplishment and success, those moments where nothing can tear you down and you feel like you can conquer the world. Where everything is going your way and you can't believe how lucky you are. Inevitably, this amazing experience will come to an end and you will end up feeling like your entire world is falling apart. That great success? A distant memory. Those feelings of power and strength? Hard to find, since your sitting in the corner, in the fetal position rocking back and forth.
It feels like this past week has been one of the toughest to get through. Have I mentioned yet that deployments suck? Have I thoroughly complained about this yet? Have I moaned and groaned about it to you sufficiently? Cause if not, I can surely continue on but it serves to memory that I have, so I will do my best to not whine too much. Let me just say this: Last week was hard. Hard for me. Hard for Aj. Just hard. Anybody else remember the 'inspiring' post I wrote a few weeks back, "Dear Deployment: We're Winning?" Yeah well, lets call that a week of an up phase and last week was, "This Deployment is Kicking Us in the Ass."
Now, clarification is in order. Please, no rumors that Aj and I are having problems in our relationship or that we are going through any bumps because that could not be farther from the truth. In fact, I think the only reason either one of us survived last week was because we had each other to lean on. The constant reassurance that the other one is there and that we love each other. The talks of fantasy football, RR, Christmas time, and family were what kept us going. The problem is, we have reached a point in the deployment where even though we see the light at the end of the tunnel (39 days till RR!!!), it's hard to feel like we will ever get there. After a certain point it's hard for your brain to convince your heart and mind that this is a temporary arrangement. That we will be together as a family again. It's close enough to see it but far enough away that you still feel like you will never get there.
Now, lets add to this a little bit shall we. I have hit a weight loss plateau. Yes, I know it happens, and yes, I was expecting it. But it is still ridiculously frustrating. Seven more pounds. That's all I ask. Just a little more tone and definition here and there and I will be in the best shape of my life. (Please, all you scoffers, please remember that I am a trainer. That my body is my walking billboard. That I have a whole different standard I need to reach. Don't roll your eyes in annoyance, this is important.) Weeks now, weeks I have been at this weight range, and it is starting to get to me. I know what it takes to crash through the barrier, but finding the time and the resources (where can I run steps? where is an open and available set of stands?) has been remarkably frustrating. And I feel, just like this deployment feels, like I am standing still.
For Aj, this past week "at work" was rather frustrating and he is starting to feel like he is wasting his time. He feels like he is standing still as the rest of the world is living their lives. As ridiculously important as he is and his job is, after so long, he just feels like he isn't accomplishing anything and that he is being useless to us (Blitz and I), his family. I let him know that he is incredibly important. That the job he does (anti- air defense is his job. He makes sure that if anyone shoots missiles, we can stop them) keeps me and everyone else safe at night. That I am so very proud of him and what he is doing. But it's still been hard.
Then there were a few 'little things' that went wrong. Each of us lost our fantasy football matches this week by very few (Aj lost by one) points. Some not-so-great news regarding friends and family and a couple other personal set backs for us, left us completely drained after this week.
It's times like these that I wish I could ring the bell, throw in the towel and say, "Ok Deployment. You've won. Just give me my husband back." And be done with it. But unfortunately, it doesn't work like that.
Or maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it's not
unfortunately it doesn't work like that, but
fortunately it doesn't. Once again, I am learning a lot from being a trainer. This morning was no exception.
My trainee and I met this morning at 5 am for the first time since last Thursday. She and her boyfriend had spent a few wonderful days vacationing in San Antonio. The trip was an absolute blast for her. I felt a little bad that the first thing she came back to face was the scale. We weigh once a week on Mondays. Every week. It's important. This week was no exception and since we were unable to weigh on Monday, Tuesday morning was the day of reckoning.
After consistently losing 3 lbs every week since we started training, she stood on the scale this morning to see a 2 lb gain and she was devastated. As a trainer, I wasn't phased. I knew and had even told her at the beginning that there were going to be times where the scale would not move or even jump up, it's a normal cycle. Especially after a few days of vacationing. I reminded her that she has still come a long way and that she just needs to keep going, that the number didn't reflect her health or how hard she worked. The jump up was just part of life. I smiled, handed her a ten lb weight, and told her to get on the treadmill.
"You've still come so far." "You're making it." "Just Keep Going." "Don't give up." "Just a part of life." Were all words of encouragement I told her this morning and meant them. I wasn't phased at all by the numbers and I didn't want her to be either. Anyone else see what slapped me in the face a little later?
Last week, the weight on the scale jumped up for Aj and I. We were doing so great and getting through this tough deployment one step at a time. We were feeling the momentum and then hit a brick wall.
"You've still come so far." Aj and I have made it 6 complete months, nothing can take that away from us.
"You're making it." We have not only made it 6 months, but we have been able to get ourselves in a better position in life. We have used this deployment to our advantage as much as we can.
"Just keep going." 39 days. We have 39 days till Aj steps off that plane and I run into his arms for two straight weeks.
"Don't give up." Just imagine, when we look back at the end of this thing and say, Do you remember that? It was so hard. But we made it. We never gave up, it wasn't even an option.
"Just a part of life. " Aj and I are going to go through ups and downs in our life together. We will hit extremely good times and go through some really bad ones too. But we are going to do it together and we will always come through. The bad times are just a part of life. And as cliche as it is to say, it is also so very true; The bad times make us appreciate and love those good times so much more. I know that I will never appreciate the feeling of Aj's arms any more than I will the first time he wraps them around me at that airport in 39 days.
