I was bullied.

Bullying is in the news a lot lately. Extreme cases. Suicides. Beatings. Social networking sites ruining lives. I watch a lot of these reports and I can empathize. There is a new campaign out called, "It Gets Better." The purpose is to encourage individuals to keep going and know that life gets better.

I've been thinking of writing this blog for a while now. Do my part maybe? I know that AJ & my blog isn't read by a massive audience. I understand that most of you who read these words are just close friends and family. I also know that every once in a while someone else stumbles upon my blog, for whatever reason. I'm hoping to do my part in this "crisis". Maybe help someone, anyone. I want to help anyone and everyone to know everything will be ok, you are worth something, you do not deserve to be bullied, and that "It Gets Better." I was bullied... for a very long time.

Before I continue on with my story, I need you to know a little bit about my personality.

I am not shy. I am not quiet. I am ambitious and bubbly. People would describe me as a very confident young woman. Strong. Capable. Doesn't put up with bull. I have always been this way, always. Even as a toddler. Stubborn and opinionated. The reason I want you to understand this is far too often when someones talks about another being bullied, the bully-ee is often thought of as meek and shy. Sitting in the corner with pale skin and dark clothes. This isn't and wasn't me. But I was bullied.  Here are some, and I emphasize some, of my memories to share with you. To help you understand, I get it and it will be ok.

Elementary School

1st Grade: Ran in the track meet in first grade. Teased relentlessly because I looked like "I was trying to run like a horse." (I was.)

2nd Grade: First memory I have of being pointed at, made fun of and laughed at because I wore different weird shoes and hand-me-down clothes.

3rd Grade: Was tested for and sent to "Gifted and Talented" classes once weekly at another school because of my intelligence. None of the girls would be friends with me. I to this day, do not know why. (These same girls continued to bully me throughout almost my entire secondary education.) 

4th Grade: Had a hole in the back of my jeans which I very proudly patched myself. Made fun of and laughed at. Some of the students I had called my  "friends"

5th Grade: I started noticing I wasn't naturally skinny like the other girls, became the fat girl and officially "uncool".

Sixth Grade

Bullying hit a whole new level here. I was bullied so relentlessly and so terribly for every possible reason. I wasn't pretty enough, or cool enough. I didn't have the right clothes or right friends. The bullies from elementary school took on the tradition of bullying me and handed it down to many others. I hated lunch hour. It's when I wasn't "safe" in class. Where I could read or write and ignore the notes or the comments. I came home crying so many times and not wanting to go back that my mother called the school and complained - many, many times. She finally got the administration to allow me to change lunch hours (there were two different ones) to escape my bullies. The bullies were never talked to by anyone at the school.

At this same time, I was very excitedly involved in competitive girls soccer after school. I was in a sport which I loved and continued to love but I was on a team which I was never accepted. I wasn't cool. I was made fun of and ostracized. I wasn't good enough at the sport to prove my worth that way. I wasn't the right religion (a predominantly LDS town) to show my worth to the right girls there. And to the girls, school had made me worthless. The coach didn't care. The girls who were the worst were also the best players. I was also bullied by my coach at one point. Sitting at the sidelines the entire game once, 5 minutes remaining, I went up and begged that he let me play. He told me I shouldn't be thinking about me. I should be thinking about my team and by putting me in, we could lose. I sat back down. (I continued to play this sport through my freshmen year of high school. I truly loved soccer. Many other girls were bullied on the team as well. Most dropped out long before I did.)

Middle School

A much better period of my life than Sixth Grade. Mainly because of a good friend I made after transferring lunch hours in sixth (Mary Bradbury. She's amazing). But, the bullying didn't stop. I was still being told I was too fat, I had crooked teeth, and that I was ugly. I still didn't have the right friends or school supplies. Spanish class was the worst. The girls of GT (Gifted/Talented) were there. I sat in the corner by myself. The only class I can ever remember not wanting to be seen by even the teacher in.

High School

Made friends with a girl I moved next to during the summer. She was gorgeous and very popular. Once high school hit, I learned I just couldn't win. I was now teased for being her friend. Kids would say, "You're trying to be cool through her?" "You think your cool now cause you hang out with her?" Appropriately it seems, she didn't stay friends with me long. 

When I entered into high school, I was a size 5 pant. (For you males out there.. That is pretty darn small). But it was too late. I was still the fat girl. Fat, ugly, uncool and unattractive. Finally tired of bullying, my first trimester of high school I finally fought back. Literally. I got into a fight with a girl who had been horrid to me every day in first hour (while the teacher knowingly looked away). I was suspended for a day.

Finally, I made friends with a wonderful group of individuals. They weren't judgmental because of what I wore or what religion I was, or wasn't. They were a group of guys. The punk rock guys of the school. An awesome group, some of which are still very close friends today. But this brought a whole new level of teasing I had never experienced: slut. Rumors were rampant that the only reason these guys were my friends was because I slept with all of them. I never did. I never even dated one of them. Not once. Not ever. But that didn't matter. Girls would ask me in class, "How many guys have you slept with?" (For the record, I was a virgin in high school) People also told me, "They don't even like you. They just put up with you because they feel bad for you."

I was asked to one, just one, highschool dance. Junior homecoming, by my boyfriend at the time. His best friend hated me and was constantly calling me names. At one point, his friend even shoved me into a locker. My boyfriend broke up with me a few months later, telling his friends I was a burden. Something that hurt terribly and I confided to a teacher about. That teacher later on, pointed at me in class when I was talking and said loudly, "You're a burden." I was devastated.

I can't say it was all terrible. I found my way into speech and debate. Something which I was extremely successful at. I met a lot of wonderful people and some great friends. I can honestly say I don't know what I would have done had I not found debate and the amazing people in it. I spent much of my high school career away at tournaments, a setting I belonged. But being a star in debate, didn't exactly make me cool or help the teasing go away. Regular school days always brought back reality of what I was 'thought of' by my peers. I was so happy when high school finally ended.

Today, I am so ridiculously happy. I have an amazing life. One I never dreamed I would have. It's so much better. But I was bullied. Blonde hair, blue/green eyes, size 5 girl, with intelligence, a strong spirit & mind and I was bullied horribly. But it's ok. I made it. You can too. For those of you who aren't bullied, it's not ok to let others do it. Not once, ever, did someone stand up for me. For those who bully: it's never ok. Never. It's not funny. Ever. You are hurting people. Real people. And that will never be ok.

I was bullied. And I wanted to share my story and hopefully help someone to know "It Gets Better." Hang in there. You are important. You are special. You can change the world. Just promise me, you'll hang in there. If you ever wonder if someone cares, just know: I do.

Me now with my wonderful husband, AJ.