Happiness.

For those of you who knew me when I was younger, you know that politics was my thing. I would play office in kindergarten. I never played house or with barbies. Always office. When I was in elementary school, I drove the adults in my family crazy by hanging out with them and talking about the news instead of playing with my cousins. I was completely and utterly absorbed while in high school in speech and debate, mock trials, international symposiums, etc. In college I majored in game theory economics, with a desire to specialize in voter tenancies. I was going to be involved in politics and shaping/ changing the world! 

As I got older, the idea of having a family kept tugging at my brain and I have always known I didn't want a large and stressful career and a family. When I do something, I give 100% of myself to it. It's just my nature. The idea of having kids and working 90+ hour weeks, traveling for my job, and then when I am home, still working, was (and is) not ok for me. Some individuals do it and thrive but not me. If I was going to be living in Washington DC and working as a lobbyist, I would either be single or married without having children. 

 After AJ & I started talking and getting serious again, I stopped and decided to figure out what I really wanted in life. What I wanted to have and be. I closed my eyes, and decided to visualize in ten years, what would make me happy. I saw family. I saw family dinners and movie nights, I saw hanging out with friends and camping trips, I pictured getting woken up early in the morning by a toddler crawling into bed. When I thought further on down, I saw a family playing football in the backyard, little league baseball, and homework at the kitchen table. I thought of retiring with AJ &  road trips. I saw family reunions and Christmas. What I didn't see was long nights at the office, flights across country, hotel rooms, and sky rise apartments. I knew then what happiness was to me. Happiness was family and the people in my life, not my career.

Even after that and AJ & I got married, I wasn't positive I didn't want my big career. AJ would have been with me and supported me in any decision I made, although he really wanted a family. I have always been so ambitious, I have always wanted to conquer the world and I felt like I was "settling" and not "living up to my potential" if I had a quiet life with a family. Plus, I have huge expectations on my shoulders of who I should be and what I should become. I hated the idea of letting my family down, of letting anyone down. I didn't want anyone to feel disappointed in me because I decided to have a family instead of a career. That was very, very difficult for me. 

AJ was the reason I finally snapped out of it. When I finally realized that he didn't care what I did or what I became, he was happy as long as I was happy. As long as we are together and have a good life with one another, I could be a stay at home mom, work at Burger King, or be a high powered lobbyist, he didn't care. That was the first time in my life I didn't feel like someone had expectations on me, and it felt weird and almost surreal. AJ didn't have any expectations of what I should be or who I should become. He just wanted me to be happy. Whatever that was. I wasn't going to let him down. It was sincerely freeing when I figured that out. 

AJ is also the one that pointed out how much I would love being a trainer. We were watching Biggest Loser one night and I was going on and on about health and what people don't understand and what they need to do, and he said, "So how come you don't become a trainer? What does it take anyway?" That was it. I knew what I wanted. 

Telling my family what I had decided was rough and they still don't seem to fully understand my career. A couple of family members said things such as, "I think you should go farther. Be a physical therapist instead." Or, "Is that really a long term job? Or just something for now?" Even still, when I talk about moving back to Idaho they ask me, "What are you going to do when you get back?" Or, "There are some administrative jobs available at the site." I have even heard, "President Vailas (the President of ISU) would love to have you back! Then you can go back to school for cheap again." Every time I hear something like this I say, "I'm a personal trainer, remember?" and the reply is always, "Oh I know. I'm just saying for when you first get here" or "It's just an idea. 

I love my career choice. I absolutely love what I do. Last week I worked with two ladies who ran the first full mile they have ever run in their life. One full non-stop mile. I was so proud and so were they. Helping my clients reach these goals week after week, seeing them progress. Seeing them become happier, healthier, and more confident in themselves is one of the best feelings in the entire world. I love it. Truly love it. I am happy with my decision to let go of all the expectations of everyone else and myself, and just live my life. I am affecting people and I am changing the world. Just one person at a time.

But every once in a while I still peak over the fence and look at the other side. I have some friends from college and high school who did move on to the high powered careers in Washington DC, New York, and California. They are living the life that I had wanted for so very long. I stop and take a look at what and how they are doing and I would be lying if I didn't wonder and miss it at times. How I loved the way a good suit looked and felt. I loved the adrenaline of the stressful deadlines and cut throat circumstances. I loved coming out ahead and winning in the end. It makes you feel powerful and strong and alive. At least it did me. It made you feel like "somebody" and not just another person with a family and small town life.

But then I realize I feel the same way whenever I help anyone else succeed and see the adrenaline rush and confidence in their face. The first time they hold plank for a full 30 seconds. The first mile. Looking in the mirror and being proud of who they are. That gives me the same adrenaline rush, the same feeling of being alive. But without the cutthroat lifestyle and with the ability to come home to my husband and excitedly tell him about who I helped that day, not what vote I got. Knowing I will be able to make my kids soccer games and band recitals. Everything that I saw when I closed my eyes will be there too. And that makes me so happy. 

I had to make a very difficult decision. You may think that I compromised, and I did. But I didn't compromise my happiness for my career. I compromised a high powered career for my happiness.