Marriage & Life: Post Deployment

My mother has been asked by some about how AJ & I are doing after the deployment. Their concern is not only natural, but also very real. AJ & I were married only 4 months before he deployed and he was gone for just short of a year. Long distance relationships are hard to begin with and adding into it the lack of consistent communication and the danger of the life of a deployed soldier, its much worse than any normal long distance scenario.

Those of you who have been following our blog for a while were there through quite a bit of our deployment and have seen some of the ups and downs. Two posts that come to mind are adequately titled: Dear Deployment: We're Winning and The Cycle. 

It was a very tumultuous and difficult year. But it is over and AJ & I have been back together for over three months now. I think its a good time to let everyone know what it has been like, for the both of us, to be together again. 

First, let me say that I do not consider AJ & my relationship and our deployment experience typical. I would be remiss if I were to say that this blog can be used as an informative blog on, "What to expect during and after a deployment." This blog is about how it was and has been for AJ & I, not for anyone else. 

The deployment like I said, was very difficult, not for on our relationship but on us.

For me, I had just moved to Oklahoma a few months prior and was still getting to know the surrounding area. The military mindset and lifestyle is not really my cup of tea. It does have a lot of programs designed to help spouses through a deployment but I didn't really fit into any of them. For three main reasons: we don't drink, we don't have kids, and women take a while to warm up to me. I had also made the decision before AJ left that having toxic people in my life or doing things that could be misconstrued or miscommunicated (ie partying, bars, etc.)  were not going to happen with him deployed. The last thing my husband needed on his mind during deployment was that his wife is out with questionable people till the wee hours of the morning and hearing odd reports from others. So due to the military mindset and the aforementioned issues, I seemed to end up isolated from most of the people and goings on around here. It was the quietest and most self reflective year of my life. An admitted extrovert, having a year of being alone was hard but something I can honestly say I feel everyone needs. For an entire year, it was me and our dog Blitz. That and keeping my phone next to me every hour of every day and every night, waiting for the next phone call from my best friend. 

For AJ the deployment was difficult for obvious and some less than obvious reasons. He worked disgusting hours. I'm talking 24 hours on and 24 hours off for almost an entire year. Then at "training" times he would be away from his bed and/or bunker for days on end, trying to catch a few mins sleep here and there whenever possible. His stress of trying to get in touch with me every single day was always on him. He did everything he could. He almost always found some way to get into touch with me and tell me he was alright. On top of that, the other soldiers didn't understand our relationship and that AJ wanted to talk to me every day. He wanted to hear my voice every day as much as I wanted to hear his. Although I kept myself away from the drama of other wives and individuals, he was constantly around the other soldiers and the drama. More than once during his precious time away from site, he was required to take care of soldiers who had obviously exceeded their "two beer" limit in the rec room.

Our relationship during the deployment never wavered though and we were there for each other however we possibly could be. I sent packages to him a couple times every month. During it all, we had family deaths, military drama, family drama, holidays alone, very scary health issues etc. occur and we got through them together. Truly together. Being best friends and having common interests really helped us out too. Especially our mutual love for sports. It gave us a common stomping ground and something to talk about while worlds apart and having no real life experiences together. Our being friends with common interests and both of our decisions to keep away from toxic situations and people were key to our success in not only maintaining but advancing our relationship during the deployment.

Because of all of this, I believe that AJ & my transitioning back into life together was a lot less stressful and difficult than a lot of others. Although I won't say seamless. 

The first month and a half together was ridiculously busy. We went to Texas three times, Idaho for two weeks, as well as visited with friends, golfing, baseball, running, etc. It was a giant whirlwind. This particular month and a half was different for both AJ & I. I was used to a quiet, routine filled life with Blitz and AJ wasn't even used to driving (it actually weirded him out for a while at first). So we took that time in relative stride together.

It was when we got back to a "regular" routine and quiet life that our difficulties arouse.

For AJ it was having responsibilities at home again and not living with the guys anymore. Washing dishes, doing laundry, calling to say when he was home, taking out the dogs, making dinner, connecting with his family, watching the finances; all of these were responsibilities he was no longer used to. Although we do them together as a team, it was still tiring and frustrating for him at first. Plus, us being newly married before he left, the responsibilities of marriage in general were still relatively new when he got home. It was literally a new world and although he was and is amazing, it was odd and difficult for him to come home to after things slowed down. Not to mention since AJ and I don't drink, once he got back the majority of soldiers just wanted to go get plastered all the time. AJ ended up feeling a little ostracized from the men he had spent an entire year with. 

For me, it was the exact opposite. I had done everything for an entire year. I had this special bond and routine with Blitz, I had kept the house clean and done the finances. I had everything the way I wanted it. AJ is very hands on. He isn't a husband that goes to work, comes home, and then expects the wife to care for everything. AJ wants to be a teammate and not taken care of like a child. Me allowing him to do these things was hard. I was so used to my routine and doing things my way that him doing the dishes while he was home at lunch and not before we went to bed, meant dirty dishes in the sink all night (I know.. gasp right?). I would come home and instead of watching Jon Stewart, AJ would be playing MLB 2011. I didn't know what to do with myself.. I mean, that was  my routine!

But I have to say, that really has been the worst of it and for that we are truly blessed. Over the past couple of months we have gotten ourselves back into a routine and set-up together instead of apart. We have figured out the TV situation and the household stuff. AJ has found things to do with the guys that don't involve alcohol and I have a U16 soccer team keeping me busy. So I have to say, we are doing pretty amazing. He is my best friend and I have him home. I still jump and run to the phone when it rings, scared I'll miss his call sometimes. Old habits die hard. He still calls me during the day at work just cause, but now I can call him too. AJ is home and so I finally am too.