The other night I was reading an article in a magazine regarding infidelity in America (which is not as bad as the media and society wants you to believe) and it had a quiz. The questions were regarding what you considered cheating or what was ok or not ok. I took it and then gave the quiz to AJ. Him and I were not surprisingly on the exact same page when it came to the topic, but when I looked at the statistical answers to the questions, we seemed to be very conservative on the topic. That led me to wonder, what do most couples consider "ok" behavior in their partner. So, let me ask you the following:
Is flirting ok? If so, when does it cross the line, if ever?
What are your rules when it comes to social media? Does facebook or twitter or other areas cause problems and why would it? How about texting?
Is it ok to dance with someone else at a club whom your partner doesn't know?
Is kissing or making out with another individual ok?
Do you think a married woman making out with another female is cheating? What about a married man and a male?
Does alcohol change or alter your beliefs on the topic at all?
Do you believe in "emotionally" but not "physically" cheating?
What about pornography? Or topless bars? How about lap dances?
Like I said, AJ & I are both pretty conservative in our beliefs of what is and isn't ok in a relationship. This has nothing to do with insecurities on our part but everything to do with what we want in a relationship and believe a relationship or marriage should be. Since this is obviously different for everyone, I'm curious as to other peoples takes on the area. What are your feelings on the topic?
As far as AJ & my feelings, we answered the questions like this:
Flirting: Not cheating but neither one of us likes the idea of continuous flirting with one individual, especially when that flirting comes with implied intent. Also, we feel if you have to hide you are talking with someone, it's probably not ok (ie, texting, social media, etc.).
Social Media: Neither one of us are big social media people but as I said above, if you feel you have to hide it, probably not good to do. AJ and I are open with everything. If I get a text message and am in the other room, AJ will often pick up the phone and read it out to me and vice versa. Same thing with e-mail, we have each other check our e-mails all the time for various things. We are completely open about things.
Dancing: This one isn't really applicable to AJ, since he doesn't like to dance, I'm the dancer. Sometimes I can get him to dance with me but he usually just likes to hang out. He doesn't consider me dancing with someone cheating although he gets uncomfortable about what the guy might do (groping and grinding) but this isn't really an issue with me either since I wouldn't feel comfortable dancing with some random guy I don't know anyway. Kissing of any kind is not ok but I have a funny story about that. Before I moved to Oklahoma, I had a good friend named Stevie (her real name). She became one of my closest friends. She is also a lesbian and prided herself on turning women. I was telling AJ about one of her stories and he jokingly said, "Tell Stevie I'm not above kicking a girls ass." Hahaha He was completely joking and wasn't actually upset or worried, but I always found that hilarious.
Alcohol: AJ & I don't drink, but if we did, it wouldn't change anything.
Yes, we believe in emotionally cheating with someone. We believe it can be as damaging as physically cheating.
Pornography is a whole other topic. We don't consider it "cheating" but neither of us like it and don't like the idea of the other one leering lustily at naked individuals. Thankfully, it's never been either of our jam diggity, so has never been a problem. I know many marriages where this has been a big issue because of disagreements on the topic though. As far as topless bars and such, there is a fine line for the both of us. If one of us went to say, a bachelor or bachelorrette party and this type of thing was involved it wouldn't be a big deal. But going to an institution like this regularly and/or paying other women or men to turn us on is not ok. Also if another chick tried to give my husband a lap dance if he said no, I might have to beat a chick up. Just saying. ;-) Lol
So, there you have it. AJ & my stance on all the topics. Obviously you don't have to address every question, but do you have any strong thoughts on the subject? Or on one area in particular? Do your idea differ from AJ & mine? I'm curious to hear from you!
3 comments:
My husband and my general rule about cheating is that if you feel that you need to hide it from your spouse, or if you feel guilty, then that's cheating. We're pretty open about practically everything that happens in our lives, so it's worked out well for us so far. :-)
I'm with you on most of this. For some reason, I don't really care about same-sex kissing, although anything more would be problematic, and I would expect to be fully informed that it (a kiss) is happening/did happen. (I doubt that it would happen, but that's my personal boundary there.)
I also differ fairly significantly on porn. Doesn't bother me at all, doesn't bother Matt if I look. Strip clubs also don't bother me.
Well Travis and I are definitely on the conservative side of this issue. Some might think WAY too conservative because I don't believe in really having guy friends of my own after being married. I have guys that are our mutual friends and that I would hang out with my husband there but not otherwise (I know, you probably think its extreme). I just don't even want to mess with that stuff. It's funny because I've been trying to figure out exactly how to act towards guys at the gym. I have pretty much just tried to avoid eye contact and do my thing but lately a few guys have come up to me and started talking to me. I mean I'm sure they're not interested, I wear my wedding ring the whole time and not sexy workout clothes like half the other women, but it just is kind of weird and I don't want to give them the impression I'm there to socialize or get attention. So Travis just said to tell them upfront something like, "Well I'm sure your not interested in me this way but I just wanted to let you know that I am very happily married and not looking to socialize here." It's kind of hard for me to be blunt like that... and awkward. So we'll see. I don't know, I know a lot of married people are always flirting in the gym but I just don't want to mess with fire. And I think emotionally cheating is just as damaging as physically cheating. I feel like people who do it are trying to fill a void they are feeling in their marriage instead of trying to work harder on their marriage. That tends to lead the couple further apart instead of closer together. And I know that it would really hurt me if Travis felt like he could confide in another woman easier than he could me. I mean he is the best friend I have ever and will ever have! I feel like one of the all time BEST things about being married is being able to wholly confide in your spouse and know everything about each other. Having a deeper level of trust than you have with anyone else. And I know some are okay with their spouses flirting and what not but we are little prudes on this issue, obviously.
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